Movie Theatre Etiquette: 7 Tips To Follow Or I’ll Have To Hurt You!

It’s not just me.  There is a revolt against the movie goer who goeth to the movies without-eth their brains!

Let’s get to the point!

TALKING: You can talk all you want with your friends and family.  You can speculate whatever you wish.

• “Oh, is this a horror movie?”
• “Damn, this movie is going to be awesome.”
• “Yeah, I read the review of this movie this morning and they said it sucks!”
• “What is this movie again?”

Say whatever you will, BEFORE THE FRIGGIN’ PREVIEWS START!!!  When the PREVIEWS  (not the movie) start…”Shut Up!” Thank You.  I paid the same amount of money to see this movie, and the previews, from beginning to end and I plan on doing that.  Or, I’ll have to hurt you!  You remember that shoe that flew past your head because you had to keep talking when the previews were on, well, I took that shoe from the guy sleeping in the seat next to me just to warn you.  Next time, I won’t miss!

SNEAKING PEEPS IN FROM THE EXIT: OMG!  The next time I see this happen, I am going to blow the whistle.  No, not run and tell an usher.  I am going to blow an actual coach whistle to scare the living crap out of you so that you won’t think of ever doing it again, you cheap jerk!

The “WATCH WHAT HAPPENS NEXT” Peeps: Yes, I want to watch what happens.  I don’t want narration. SHUT UP! If you have seen this movie before, I don’t care.  I don’t need play-by-play as if we are watching a football game.  I want to enjoy it without YOU explaining what is going to happen next.  If I wanted to know from you,  I’d pay you to tell me instead of paying to actually experience the movie myself.

THE CREATURE CALLED THE ” CELL PHONE-OUS PERSONUS”: Every theatre plays this little movie about movie theatre etiquette and specifically talk about your cell phone and what to do with it during the movie.  YOU ARE NOT THE PRESIDENT, SO YOU CAN TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE FOR 90 MINUTES, AND THE WORLD WON’T END!

MEETING FRIENDS AT THE THEATRE IS FINE BUT…: Can you tie your shoes?  Can you drive a car?  Can you brush your teeth?  If you’ve said “yes” to anything ever, then you can coordinate a thought.  Now, use that skill to coordinate where you are going to meet your friends when you get to the movies.  Go find seats and KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR THEM SO THEY DON’T CALL YOUR NAME A MILLION TIMES…Because then I’ll know your name and add that to finish this sentence, “__(your name here)__is a jerk for leaving his/her friends to call out in the theatre for them, DUH!”

SEAT KICKERS:  I LOATHE YOU!  It’s not such a deal to have to go grab an usher to say, “This person is kicking my seat”, but one could always improvise.  If you wanna win this battle, grab the seat behind the seat kicker and let him/her worry that you’ll kick their seat.  Ahh, that’s better!

FOODIES: UNWRAP IT & EAT IT!  FINISH IT BEFORE THE END OF THE FIRST ACT!  If you are that hungry, you should have grabbed that burger on the way here!

BONUS: GET A ROOM!!!

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