Dear Sherri Shepard: My 3 Rules Before Getting Married…Again
I am just mortified at what I am reading and seeing about the men in your life. They are cray-cray.
I am speaking to you from experience so I am not in judgement. Except for the fact that you are playing with “big dollars”, I come to you as a soul sister just sharing some peer-to-peer insight. I admire you for all of your business and artistic ventures and successes. You have done all that without a man in your life. I know that you want to share your exciting times with someone special, don’t we all, but there are times where that someone special may not be as special as we think.
Now, I know that my second ex-, let’s refer to him as Mr. B…well, Mr. B comes to my blog ever so often just to see what I am writing about. I want to say, on the record, that Mr. B and I still get along. We don’t spar much and we are moving forward in our lives, just separately. He has been cordial and I thank him for his civility.
It’s my first ex that is Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde. In fact, I do wish that he and Han Solo could have traded places in that freezer gas thing from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. My first ex deserves it. Let’s call
Yes, my first ex is The Thing.
Now, I am sure Sherri can relate, but sadly, she has two things!
Another Marriage, Sherri?
Well, I don’t know if Sherri is even thinking about getting married again while she is going through this mess with this ne’re-do-well, who wants full custody of a child that isn’t even born yet. (Pull-eeezzzee!)
But, if she finds this post sometime down the road after she has recovered from the heartache and has a new love in her life—Sherri, just roll these three quick thoughts around in your head– Just as I will IF I decide to be thrice a bride.
My 3 Rules Before Getting Married…Again
1. How ever you feel about him, prepare to fight him (not physically, but intellectually), because you never know anyone until you have to fight them: Is he a dirty fighter that would throw sand in your eyes to blind you or the kind that would bow before a Judo match and play fair? See, we are blind sighted by love and feeling all mushy and gushy about our main squeeze (men do this over women, too). You probably could never imagine fighting him or wanting to hurt him. Well, sister, we’ve both made that mistake in the past and now it’s time to face the real-real. A prenuptial agreement is a great way to begin to start to prepare to fight, but its not enough. YOUR FOCUS HAS TO ALWAYS BE ON YOU! How will you win? Emotionally? Legally?…but especially emotionally. Because “serial monogamists” tend to repeat the same behaviors expecting different outcomes and its a debilitating kind of emotional roller coaster, whether you ended the relationship or not. Just prepare, as you would for an earthquake, or any other disaster.
2. Love and live your life and do as much as you can without him: I made the mistake of attempting enmeshing my life with my previous ex’s. I wanted to spend every waking moment with them and wanted them to feel the same about me and be involved in my work and businesses. Thank goodness they did not have the same plan. You know, saying “Get a life” is so cliche, but it’s true. My Mr. Sweetheart NOW and I have separate lives and I love it. I have my hobbies and friends and he has his. What a relief. Why? Because I vowed never to force my head up any man’s ass again. That’s not the kind of “closeness” that I really needed or benefited me. I’m not checking the cell phone or hacking the email. I didn’t really do it anyway, but I had the mindset because I felt betrayed and left out of their lives and I was. That’s the good news because I wrote books and was a successful entrepreneur, without them holding my hand or spoon feeding me. When I tried involving my ex’s, it was worse at times because that was NOT what they wanted to do. I had my idea of what I wanted and that worked only for me. You do not have the power to change the man or the woman. Be the change you want to see. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps and do your thing whether he is with you or not because if you don’t, I promise you this…You will be all pissed off and sad, moping around wishing, waiting and wanting something from someone who will never give it to you….all the while you are missing the opportunity to find those who want to give IT (whatever it is) to you. You have to let him go be who he is, not to an abusive extent but simply…don’t try and change him. Change you!
3. Take inventory on your Drama Meter: Can You handle the real him? Seriously, once you get to the part of the relationship where you are even thinking of marriage, you’ve had some fights and some great sex. You’ve also let down your hair to reveal the real you. He has done the same. Farting in bed, doing too much of whatever and not enough of the other. Well, can you live with that, legally forever? By this time you know him very well and he has allowed you to see the real him. The Real Mr. Man. You have to match up your standards with whatever his is dishing out. Do they match up?
Are you good with money and budgeting? Then why in Whoville would you accept a man who has no budgeting concept?
Maybe thats this only lacking quality? Ok, that’s fair.
How many more do you need?
Here’s another example:
You are feeling sick and can’t get out of bed, yet he expects you to take care of yourself instead of help you out while you’re down and out.
When he’s sick, he’s reverted back to cooing with goo-goo-ga-ga and waiting on a handmaid.
Can you deal with that…like forever?
I could give a myriad of examples but my point is– pay attention to those red flags and gut feelings. If things are amiss, don’t ignore them within yourself. It may hurt to break up with this person that you have grown to love but it will hurt worse after being married to him for years while you’re hoping and wishing for a change a change…in someone else. What about you? I guess I could ask who you love more–him or you?
My final thought:
Would you start a business with this man? And if you did, would you be the one running the show or is there equality with both of you wearing different hats within the company?
My theory (from experience) is that if you cannot start and operate a successful business as a team with your Mr. Sweets then forget it!
Why sign papers to be a wife to someone that you wouldn’t start a business with? Both business partnerships and marriages are LEGALLY BINDING and require TEAMWORK and are messy to untangle yourself from.
Anything less equals silliness….well, you’ll just skip back to the top of this post and re-read it all until you get it right.